


Shadows Will Scream That I'm Alone

by flowers_your_way



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Bully Flash Thompson, Flash Thompson Being A Jerk, Gen, Guilty Peter Parker, Hurt Peter Parker, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Precious Peter Parker, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Sad Peter Parker, Supportive May Parker (Spider-Man)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-09 02:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowers_your_way/pseuds/flowers_your_way
Summary: Following Uncle Ben's death, Flash convinces Peter that Aunt May never wanted him and will likely send him into foster care now that Ben is gone.  Peter is already vulnerable from the grief and guilt of losing Uncle Ben so, of course, he believes Flash. Chaos and angst ensues.Will May be able to figure out why Peter is acting differently around her?  Will she be able to convince him that family doesn't end with blood?





	1. I am not as fine as I seem

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Spiderman, the MCU, or the 21 pilots lyrics in the title (sadly). Thanks for clicking on my story. Please leave a kudos or review if you enjoy it!

It had been a month since Uncle Ben had passed.

_ Passed is putting it nicely,  _ according to Peter. Because for him, it had been a month since Ben was shot through the chest because Peter was too stupid, too arrogant to stop it. 

He didn’t cry at the visitation, putting on a brave face for all the people he didn’t even know; all the people who had supposedly loved Ben but not spoken to him in years. He didn’t cry at the funeral, instead staring straight ahead and gripping May’s hand as her other profusely wiped the tears from her eyes. She had tried her best not to let Peter see but he knew.

He knew when she cried at night alone in her room, even though she tried to muffle the sounds in her pillow. He really wished he didn’t have to hear her cry but she has no way of knowing that his senses are heightened to eleven. He can hear the next door neighbors  argue. He can hear the sound of the subway from miles away. 

Regardless, May cannot know his secrets. Yes, secrets as in the plural. She could never know about his powers or the fact that he could have saved Ben. She could never know about any of it. 

Which is why he was extremely lucky that she hadn’t come knocking on his door until he’d slipped through the window and shut it softly behind him.

“Come in!” She swung the door open with one hand, while the other gripped the door frame.

“Just got in from the late shift. Did you finish your homework? Did you eat dinner? I can order something if you didn’t pick up a sandwich at Delmar’s.”

“Nah I’m good. I ate.” He said despite the growling in his stomach. The last thing he wanted to be was a burden on their now even more limited finances.

“Well okay. Get some rest. It’s late and it’s a school night.”

“Okay. Goodnight May. Love you”

“Goodnight Peter. Love you too sweetie”

So he turned out the light and he didn’t sleep that night. He knew that right now, May was shuffling around the kitchen, organizing the mail into individual containers. He knew the bills stack was the highest. He could hear her as she pushed a stray hair behind her ear and sighed as she bit into the pencil she used to balance the checkbook. Peter isn’t a mind reader but he swears he can hear the thoughts brewing in her head sometimes. When he finally thought he would be able to sleep, he heard her call Ben’s phone just to listen to the voicemail one last time before she inevitably has to deactivate the number. 

He also heard the neighbors arguing from two floors up. He remembered when he first got his powers and he heard one argument between May and Ben. He hated it so much he built noise canceling headphones from regular ones he found in the trash. He could very easily slip on those headphones and get some sleep. But some part of himself kept his hand from moving under the bed to grasp them.

Peter hadn’t cried since Uncle Ben died but for all his trying, he hadn’t been able to stop feeling. The part of him that won’t allow him to grasp the headphones is the same part of him that knows he deserves the torture. 

Xxxxxx

The morning came quick and with little warning.

_ Crime that kids should have to be up before the sun,  _ Peter grumbled to himself. He knew May would be gone by now because she was never not working now that they were down to one income. She still never failed to leave him a note on the counter and a little something for breakfast. He found a cereal bar on the counter with a note reading:  _ Had to leave for work early. I’ll be in early tonight though so we can go out to eat. Have a great day :)  _

The cereal bar wouldn’t be enough for his enhanced metabolism and May would freak if she knew he spent the majority of his time after the spider bite with a weird gnawing in his stomach but he couldn’t worry about that at the moment. The cereal bar would have to do for now.

The walk to school was uneventful and for once he was actually on time. A fact Ned would undoubtedly point out. 

“Hey hey look who’s on time today” Ned noted as he met Peter at his locker.

“A guy doesn’t show up on time for like 3 days and suddenly he’s late everyday? C'mon dude, have a little faith in me!” Peter smiled and shook his head, reaching out his hand to do their secret handshake.

“Honestly, it’s more like a week but whatever you say man” he threw his hands up, smiling before his face grew serious, “You’re coming back to decathlon practice today right? I know we’ve only had one match since you’ve been, ya know, out but I know everyone is ready to have you back. Liz will flip if you don’t come back soon.” 

Before Peter had a chance to answer, he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Danger.

“Don’t be stupid Fatso. Nobody is ready to see Penis back on the team. Especially not Liz.” And there it was, the danger. Flash with a smug grin on his face.

“You’re just upset because Peter coming back means that you’re first alternate again. The only one who doesn’t want him back is you.” That was good old faithful Ned. He stood his ground and didn’t blink even though Peter knew he was afraid. He supposed he really should say something but he couldn’t force his gaze to leave his shoes for more than two seconds.

“Think you can let your boyfriend speak for himself for one second?” Peter has had enough.

“Shut up, Flash”

“What’d you say Penis?” Flash pushed him up against the lockers. 

_ Ring ring ring.  _ Thank God. Saved by the bell.

“Watch yourself” Flash sneered and gave one more sharp look and push for emphasis before walking away. Peter let out the breath he forgot he had been holding. Ned turned to him, the concern almost palpable.

“Don’t listen to him. He’s an idiot. Nobody but him feels that way”

“Yeah, yeah I know” He tried to give Ned a small smile but he knew his face still looked dejected. The lie should have been easier by now considering how long he had been lying. Truth was, Peter hadn’t felt wanted in a long time. Girls wouldn’t look his way and half the school bullied him. With Ben gone, that was one less person that he knew wanted him around. That he knew loved him.

At least he still had Ned and May. Right?

Xxxxxxxx

The rest of the school had surprisingly went off without a hitch. Well, Flash had given him dirty looks and shot rubber bands at him at lunch. How anybody had that much energy to be that annoying was beyond Peter.

By the end of the day, Peter was fairly excited for the evening. He actually did miss decathlon practice somewhat. When he was answering questions, he knew at least that there was a right and wrong. There were indisputable facts. Black and white answers whereas life tended to be grey. He was also looking forward to dinner with May. The two of them hadn’t spent much time together since Ben had died. It was rare she had a night off. Afterwards, he figured he could sneak some Spider-Manning in.

The final bell rang and Peter made his way to practice.

“Hey Peter! Welcome back!” Mr. Harrington smiled brightly, looking up from his clipboard of questions.

“Peter!” Liz stepped out from behind the podium where she was preparing notes for practice and ran over to hug him. “I’m so glad you’re back”

He smiled sheepishly as they pulled away, “Glad to be back.” 

As the rest of the students filed in, most gave small smiles and greetings. A few didn’t look his way at all. He didn’t miss the quiet “Hey loser” from MJ. He sure as hell didn’t miss the pointed look Flash sent his way causing him to shift in his seat.

Peter knew he had to just focus and ignore it. 

“How do you convert an alcohol to an ester?”

Peter rang the bell without hesitation, “Fischer estrification”

“Very good Peter” Liz smiled back.

Xxxxxx

“Okay everyone, see you next practice. Please go over the study guide before then. Bye!” Liz waved.

“Dude nice work today. Killing it.” Ned punched him lightly on the arm as they walked into the hallway.

“Thanks man” Peter smiled back before Ned declared he had to go grab his homework he had forgotten and had to run off quickly.

“Yeah yeah, you’re great. We get it. You can come and go whenever you want. No consequence.” And really, honestly, what the fuck was Flash’s problem? Just when Peter thought he might be in a good mood for the first time in a long time, Flash would of course find a way to ruin it. Worse, nobody was around to stop him.

Peter wasn’t expecting what came out of his mouth next but he was seeing red and couldn’t bring himself to care.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“You. You’re the problem. You think you can have it all don’t you? You think you’re smarter than me? Newsflash Penis, you’re a nobody.”

Peter looked at the ground with his fists clenched.

“The only thing you’ve got going for you is the fact you can answer questions. At least I’ve got parents I can go home to.”

And that struck a nerve. When kids or teachers asked Peter about his parents in grade school, he would turn red and mumble that his were in heaven. Sure he had Aunt May and Uncle Ben to raise him and take care of him but he had never once called them mom and dad. He felt a tear slip from his eye.

“Look at you. You’re pathetic. I don’t know who would want you. In fact, I can’t believe May hasn’t given you up yet.”

“Shut up. She wouldn’t do that.” His head snapped up from the floor.

“Wouldn’t she? Not like she has any reason to keep you now ya know.” Flash spoke more quietly than he had before. He sneered and turned on his heel. He knew the damage he had done and he felt power coursing through his veins as he walked to his dad’s car.

There Peter stood, alone and shocked. Tears ran down his face and his fists slowly unclenched themselves, leaving small crescent moons in his palms. He felt rooted to the spot. He couldn’t move. Because Flash had just spoken his deepest fear out loud. It was one that he pushed away every time it entered his mind because the thought was ridiculous. Then someone spoke it out loud and it was  _ real _ . It didn’t matter that that someone was a person as arrogant as Flash.

There would be time to contemplate why May wouldn’t want him. There would be time for him to wonder if she would get rid of him if she found out that he was Spider-Man and had still let Uncle Ben die. There would be time for him to connect the dots and figure out that everyone always died around him, even before he was a superhero. There would be time to sort through the tornado of thoughts spinning around in his head making him dizzy. But it would come later.

For now, all he could do was run. And run. And run.


	2. Am I the only one I know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spiderman stops an assault and makes a new acquantance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Child abuse is mentioned and rape is implied.

So Peter ran. He ran out the door and down the streets and he didn’t care about the odd looks pointed in his direction. And when his mind cleared slightly, he stopped in the nearest alley to change into his homemade sweatsuit. He figured he had a few hours to swing around and swinging around with the mask was much better than running out in the open.

See, there was something that Peter would never admit out loud, even if somebody knew he was Spider-Man. That was the fact that he wore a mask not only because it hid his identity but also because it hid the fear that was so often written on his face. Plus when he was in the suit, he was able to block out some of the sights and sounds of the busy city. 

Some of them.

When Peter put on the suit earlier, he had little intention of patrolling. He just needed to get away from it all. But of course, he couldn’t ignore the small cry of help coming from the alleyway below.

“You don’t have to do this” The girl must have been around Peter’s age. She had long dark and messy hair. Her jeans sat just a bit too high up the ankles as if when they weren’t bought with her in mind. Her back was pressed against the wall and her knees shook slightly but nevertheless, she still had fire in her eyes and her fists were held steady, ready to swing if needed.

“Oh I don’t have to but you know I want to. Can’t let those new folk have you all too themselves, Emmaline” The man was large and imposing. He sported a full beard that still couldn’t even hide the smirk on his face. His eyes were cold and steely, soulless even.

He took a step closer to her and slammed his hand on the wall next to her head. She flinched slightly but continued to hold her gaze. “They may have you now but don’t forget. I’m still your old man. You’re still my little bitch.”

And as much as Peter had been waiting to try to scope out the situation, he couldn’t stand by any longer when he saw one single tear stream down the girl’s cheek.

“Hey hey. Language man. Is that how we treat women now? I kinda thought we were in the 2000s not the 1950s” Peter swung down from the rooftop he was hiding on, legs ramming straight into the man’s side.

“This punk? Really?” The man looked shocked as laid on the ground, but only for a moment. The shock was quickly replaced by anger. “Mind your own business.” He quickly scrambled to his feet and charged at Peter, attempting to land an uppercut to his jaw. Peter easily dodged and returned a punch of his own.

“Really? I could say the same for you. Mind your own business, bad guy! Leave her alone.”

Peter swung around with a roundhouse kick, effectively knocking the man to the ground. He lay holding onto his stomach. Peter turned to the girl, Emmaline. Unlike before, her eyes were unreadable. It was as if she didn’t want anyone to know that this man phased her. Yet, he now noticed a slight tremor in her hands. He could her grinding her teeth.

“Miss are you ok?” It was in that moment that her eyes shifted from a look of indifference to a look of fear. He didn’t have time to react before he felt a sharp pain and a hand gripping tightly around his wrist. 

The man jerked Peter’s arm and pulled his head down close enough to whisper in his ear. 

“I told you boy, mind your own business. You should’ve just gone home.” He spat at him and Peter could feel the anger rolling off the man. He sensed the man’s other arm coming towards him and quickly turned around to grab his wrist.

Which held a switchblade.

Peter shoved the man into the wall and quickly webbed him to the alley wall before turning to Emmaline. 

“Can I walk you home?”

Xxxxxx

She agreed, albeit reluctantly. The thought occurred to Peter that perhaps Emmaline wasn’t used to letting people help her. 

“I, uh, didn’t get a chance to introduce myself earlier. I’m Spider-Man and uh your name is?” He stuttered somewhat nervously.

“Emmaline is my given name but since it was given by that asshat back there, I go by Emmi.”

“So that jerk is your dad?”

“Well adopted dad. Mom was pregnant with me when she met him.”

Peter wasn’t really sure how to respond to that. He wasn’t sure what kind of father figure could treat their kid like that and as selfish as it was he didn’t want to dwell on the thought much longer. He tried desperately to change the subject. 

“So where does your mom live? Where are we going?”

“Ah, yes. She’s in Heaven or oblivion or wherever you go when you die. As for where we are going, not really sure. Could be heaven, hell, or somewhere in between. Not really keen on finding out anytime soon.” She spoke her words with a careless, nonchalant attitude. Shrugging her shoulders and flipping her hair behind her shoulder, she didn’t even give Peter a second glance. He was glad for the mask as it hid his wide eyes and gaping, fish out of water, expression. He stopped mid stride and stared as she kept walking.

“You know, we could be walking awhile if you don’t know where we are going.” He stumbled over his feet to catch up to her.

“Well we are almost there so don’t worry about it. Sure you’ve got better things to do than walk me home.” She looked slightly dejected as she huffed out a sigh.

“It’s really no problem ma’am.” 

They walked in silence for a ways while Peter still had no idea where they were going. That was until they rounded the corner on a large house with several windows and a small fence around the tiny front yard. A couple of toys laid in the yard and the sign in the yard read Queen's Foster Home. 

“So, uh, this is my stop.” Emmi turned to face Peter and shuffled her feet, kicking a small pebble on the ground. But she still held Peter’s gaze.

“Thanks for letting me walk you home. I’m, um, really sorry about tonight.” He rubbed at the back of his neck nervously.

She narrowed her eyes and Peter felt as if he had said something wrong under her studying gaze. She pursed her lips and looked away only for a second, gathering her thoughts. 

“It wasn’t always like this. He wasn’t always like that ya know. I mean, there was always something a little off about him but sometimes you know, I was sure he loved me. But then mom died,” she looked up for a moment and her eyes became shiny. It was the most emotion Peter had seen her show all night. “He kinda went off the rails after that. Told me I had her eyes. I think he hated me because I was alive and she wasn’t. But now I’m here, which is still sucky but I’m alright.”

Peter just stared at her. As quiet and reserved as she seemed, he hadn’t expected her to tell him all this. 

“You know,” she laughed halfheartedly, “ I think I had a point when I started talking and it was going to be something along the lines of ‘don’t feel sorry for me’ but I think I’ve just done the opposite of that. Just, that wasn’t a regular occurence so don’t worry about me.” She turned and opened the gate and walked up the stairs, effectively and ending the discussion. The only indication that Peter had that she heard the small goodnight he managed to squeak out was small wave she gave over her shoulder.

He turned and ran to the nearest building. Spider-Man had never stayed on the ground for that long. When Peter actually thought about it, he had been out for much later than he intended. The sun had long ago set. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone which contained a few missed calls from May and some text messages. She didn’t seem too worried but he knew she wouldn’t be happy.

He knew he should be thinking of an excuse but he couldn’t erase Emmi or her words from his mind.

_ It wasn’t always like this. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a kudos or review if you enjoyed. It would take two seconds and it would seriously make my day. Sorry if this fills like another "filler" chapter. Hope to get to more Peter whump and worried May but there is ground work to be laid! Stay tuned.


	3. Waging my wars behind my face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day’s events dig at Peter’s skin. They follow him into his nightmares.

Peter wearily dragged his feet up the stairs to their apartment, a look of apprehension on his face. He knew he couldn’t just slip through his window and hideaway from the worried looks Aunt May would send his way. He wished so badly that he wasn’t going to have to lie to her. Breathing in slowly, he reached for the doorknob. 

_ Click. _

Of course, May was sitting in the living room on the couch. No avoiding her or the lying it would seem. She jumped and turned to face the door as soon as Peter had opened it. He ducked his head as he entered the room and tried his best to walk quickly towards his room.

May was not a strict parent. She’d never really given him a set curfew but it was usually understood between the two that Peter would text or call if he had to be out later than usual. They also had plans and since she hadn’t had a night off in nearly a month, she had expected him to be home much sooner.

“Where have you been this evening?” She asked.

“Oh um, decathlon practice finished late.” He replied sheepishly. He knew it was a poorly constructed lie at best. He halted his journey to his room. Yeah, escape didn’t look like an option right now.

“This late? Why didn’t you text me?”

“Liz confiscated our phones and then she just kinda lost track of time.” He hated that he couldn’t even look her in the eye as he said it.

May studied Peter for a moment before she softened her gaze and replied, “That’s alright. Just try to let me know next time. But I’m so glad you’re back at it. I know you love decathlon.” She patted the seat next to her.

He crossed the room and sat down next to her. She rubbed his back gently. “Can we still get something to eat? You must be starving.”

“I have homework,” the first statement Peter told her that wasn’t a lie  _ wow,  _ “can we do something quick?”

He didn’t miss the small look of disappointment that crossed her face. 

“I’m really sorry, May.”

“No, that’s fine sweetie! It’s alright, I can order a pizza if that sounds good.”

“Pineapples please!” 

“Weirdo” she smiled and shook her head slightly.

Xxxxxxx

Pizza eaten and homework finished, Peter and May went to bed. Well, correction.  _ May  _ went to bed. Peter could her resting heart rate and soft breathing through the wall. He continued to stare at the ceiling. 

Nighttime had never been a great time for him. When he was little, he was scared of the dark and he would consistently run into May and Ben’s room teary eyed. After the spider bite, the only thing his mind could focus on at night was the pain of his body altering. He swore he could feel it in his DNA and even down to his atoms. After the mugging, he saw the gunshot and Ben’s surprised face, every time he closed his eyes. 

Tonight, he heard Flash’s words over and over again in his mind.

_ I can’t believe May hasn’t given you up yet. _

He wasn’t sure why he even let the thought linger in his mind. The way that May had rubbed his back and smiled at him when he had come home made him feel safe and loved. She hadn’t yelled angrily when he showed up late.

_ But she didn’t seem too worried.  _ And there it was, that small voice in his head; the part of him that could entertain his insecurities. 

_ She was hoping you wouldn’t come home.  _

He knows that can’t be right. Aunt May cares about him.

_ Or if that’s not the case, she hates that you missed dinner with her. She won’t want you around once she figures out what a flake you are. She deserves better than that. _

And Peter acknowledged this part of his mind. It had a point. May did deserve better than him. They were all each other had left and here he was, lying and sneaking out. The lying,  _ god,  _ he hated the lying. But how could he tell her the truth?

_ Hey you know that kid in the ridiculous sweatsuit that does flips and climbs buildings and saves people all over Queens? Well that’s me but I uh couldn’t save Uncle Ben because uh… _

He wasn’t even sure how to finish that thought; how to explain to her that when it happened, he just froze or that he could have prevented the whole thing altogether. She couldn’t know about that. 

In the end, he wasn’t even sure he had the right to worry about May turning against him. She loved him and he knew it. She would never be cruel towards him. At least, not in the way that Emmi’s father was. He knew he had no right to complain or feel sorry for himself when family dynamics like Emmi’s and her father’s existed in the world.

But then he remembered her pensive look as she explained to him that her father went off the rails after her mother died. She said she had her mother’s eyes and he hated the reminder of her.

Peter looked much like Uncle Ben when he was younger.

_ I think he hated me because I was alive and she wasn’t.  _ That was what she had said. 

And there was that small voice in his head again;  _ maybe May feels the same way about you. _

He turned his head into the pillow and tried not to scream.

Xxxxxx

_ She stood over him, imposing and larger than life. Her face was the textbook definition of anger. Her eyes were riddled with rage. Peter could hear her teeth grinding in her mouth. Maybe anger wasn’t quite a strong enough word to describe it. _

_ She was seething. _

_ “Where have you been?!” Her face reddened with every word. “Why have you been lying to me?” _

_ Peter couldn’t take it anymore. She’ll hate him for lying. She’ll hate him for the truth. There is no escaping it. _

_ “I’m I’m…” He breathed in deeply, “I’m Spider-Man.” _

_ He expected her to scream, yell, do something drastic. But when he looked up, her finger was pointed towards the door and one tear rolled down her face. “Go” _

_ “But May please” _

_ “Go” she insisted. “You could’ve saved him and you didn’t.” _

_ He felt the tears rolling down his face, “But I’m your nephew. Please Aunt May!” _

_ She shook her head, the rage still prevalent in her eyes. “You’re nothing to me. Get out!” _

_ He felt hands grip her from behind, pulling him into darkness. Into isolation. In the whirlwind, he saw the city swirl around him. He couldn’t make out much but he knew exactly where he was. _

_ Queens Foster Home. _

_ “May May please please don’t leave me here! Please!” He sobbed. His fists pounded angrily at the only thing in sight in the blackness of the night; a small, rusted bed lying close to the ground. No other people came in. He half wished, as he lay in the isolation, that May would come back, even if it was just to yell at him. Even if it was to call him a failure. Because even if that didn’t mean that she loved him, it meant that she still cared enough to be angry at him, to acknowledge him. _

_ He screamed into the silence and no one answered back. _

Peter quickly sat up in his bed and tried to control his breathing. It came out in ragged pants and tears streamed down his face. He could hear his heart beating wildly in his chest. He brought his hand up quickly to his mouth to choke out the sounds of the sobs begging to escape from his mouth. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he leaned over and buried his face into them, an upright fetal position. He cried and cried and cried silent tears. He wished so badly for someone to sit down next to him, wrap him in their arms and tell him it would be alright. But he wasn’t a little boy anymore who could cry to his aunt and uncle at every scraped knee or hurt feeling. No comfort would come to him that night.

It was just after 4 am, but Peter didn’t go back to sleep that night. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please leave a review or a kudos if you enjoy! Thanks for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This is my first multi-chapter fic and I am so excited to be posting this story because its one that I have had rattling in my head for awhile. I know that Flash might seem a lot more harsh than he is in the movies but don't worry all will be explained. I hope you will join me for the next chapter!


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